Thoughts on College, Part Two

Or, "Everly, you took the words right outta my mouth!" :)

Often when I speak of not wanting to do anything “visible” with my life, instead finding greatness in serving God and bringing up the next generation, my mother insists that isn’t the problem she has. However, she did once blurt out during a discussion, “What if my life purpose is to have you so you can do something great? What am I supposed to do then?” Even if it’s not a conscious realization, I believe my mother feels inadequate in her own accomplishments and wants to live vicariously through me. If that is the case, no amount of interviews, acclaim, or attention on my part will ever satisfy her need to be appreciated. Only the deep gratitude of my stepfather, myself, and the people she works with and for will provide her with that.

What I don’t think she understands is that I do want to do something great. I want to do the greatest thing of all. I want to have children who will have children who will have children, and by doing so I will have far more influence than just writing a bestseller or being a successful doctor or lawyer. I can change the world, not through my own meager actions, but by having an army of descendants who hold to my convictions. I can be the “mother of thousands,” and my children and theirs will “possess the gates of those that hate them.”

But even if I could convince her of these things, there is still the “What If” factor that must be addressed. After all, we live in a society consumed by the fear of what-ifs. What if the stock market crashes? What if Iran attacks? What if the new President is assassinated? What if there’s a global epidemic of Avian Flu?

What if I can’t pay off my mortgage? What if gas goes any higher? What if I get in an accident on the way to work? What if I forget to take my medication?
But what if my house should catch on fire? Should I train now to be a firefighter? What if I am ever taken to court? Should I go to law school now, just in case?

And, the most relevant to this situation, “What if my husband dies?”

What if I spend my whole life preparing to be a wife and mother, have upwards of five children, and suddenly our provider dies? What can I do then?

Of course, just because we’re a two-income family doesn’t mean that we’ll be safe if one of us dies. Look at my own family. If Mom or Jay died, what would we do? We would have to drastically adjust our lifestyle, because we would no longer be able to afford our current one. So, what if my husband died?

We would have to adjust our lifestyle.

If I spend my single and married years living frugally, saving money, keeping out of debt, and making extra money from cottage industry and writing, however, the loss of my husband isn’t nearly as scary. It might even be called less frightening than losing a husband in a two-income family bound by all sorts of debt.

We live in a world where we’re promised if we only shell out a few thousand dollars to earn a magical piece of paper, everything will fall into place and be perfect.

Plus, my mother even says she thinks I could make a living as a writer. I write well now, everyone says so. What will getting a degree do to help me finish and publish my first book? An English degree will teach me how to analyze all the mystery and romance out of classic novels in impeccable formatting, but can it teach me to write one?

I’m between a rock and a hard place. I belong under my parents’ roof, and I am commanded to honor and obey them as long as I am here. I disagree greatly with their desires for the rest of my life, but nothing can be done. They desire me to attend college, and so I will.

It’s less the issue of having to go to college, really. It’s far more about the fact that, on principle, we have these disagreements. They’re small potatoes now. But when I do marry and begin to have their grandchildren? When my daycare-sized gaggle of little ones and I spend a “school day” grocery shopping?

What will they think of me then?