Vexed

I really don't know why I didn't see this coming.



Shortly after my post about music earlier this year, my heart hardened. I began to be angry at religion and God for making me feel conflicted in the first place. I bounced, once again, toward the other end of the spectrum. And the way was frought with thorns.



Whether you despise or love secular music, you can't deny that God has said that he is Lord, and there are to be no others before him. Well, I had made myself an idol of this music.



My all-consuming love for and affinity with this music was, quite frankly, standing between God and myself. Whether or not all rock music is bad is beside the point; in my personal experience, I had made a god out of it.



I used to scoff at those far wiser than I when they worried that listening to such music, which is very bleak and angry, wasn't making my depression worse. But now I'm not so sure. I think it's no coincidence that my darkest hours were soundtracked by it.



But the kicker came on the way home from voting. When that awful word fell out of my mouth, I gasped and apologized profusely. And then I began to think, if I'm comfortable talking so around my mother, who is to say I won't around my husband or my children? What hypocrisy will I commit when I try to gaurd them from the negative things this world espouses, but am steeped in it myself? How can I tell my girls they are precious and treasured when the music I listen to says some pretty clear things about the worth of women?



I strive to be a lady, and ladies simply do not speak this way. Ladies are not desensitized to the foulest of profanities. As a lady, I can no longer listen to this, at least for a time. As a lady, I can no longer make a god out of a man and his music. I feel certain this is the right course. It will be interesting to see if I actually miss any of this when it's gone.



And so I open my iTunes, scroll down to N, take a deep breath, and take out the trash.